Stress Can Kill You

For those of you who are following my postings as contributing author on Author Haven, you know I have begun a new series based on the mangement of destructive stress in our lives. This will have complementary information.

We can't eliminate stress, nor do we want to. Stress enables us to get up in the morning, accomplish our goals and live happy and fulfilling lives. However, when we are overloaded with duties and obligations, under a lot of pressure, and feeling we have few or no choices, we become "dis-stresed". High levels of prolonged stress will turn into disease. In other words, unmanaged stress can eventually kill you.

There are many ways we can both reduce and manage the stress in our lives; simplifying, reducing clutter, setting goals and just saying "No". For some people just saying "no" is difficult. It is easier to avoid conflict, be agreeable and stay in the background than to express their feelings and opinions. For others becoming assertive may be considered undesirable because it is confused with being humble, putting others first and other good social graces taught in childhood.

Assertive behavior not only allows us to express our feelings and thoughts honestly and comfortably, but we become equal with others in our lives. It is saying "yes" to you. It is saying to yourself and the other person that you are just as important as they are. When we deny our self-expression and personality, we often become passive-aggressive and manipulative. And that kind of manipulation is based on dishonesty on our part and is hurtful to both yourself and your relationships.

Assertivesness is a learned skill. While it may be uncomfortable at first, as we practice it gets easier. You can be assertive without being unpleasant. In fact, when you are able to accept your needs and wants as legitimate, there is no need to become embarrassed or uneasy. It is when we do not accept ourselves, that we become either passive aggressive or aggressive. Aggressive people have low esteem and cover their insecurities by getting their needs met at the expense of other people.

Here are some ways to become assertive:

1. Do some "self" work. Explore who you are, what you like, your strengths and weaknesses.

2. Be honest with yourself. We often minimize our strengths and accomplishments while maximizing our weaknesses. Or we embellish what we do and who we are while ignoring or denying those parts of us that are less desirable because we might be rejected.

3. Practice setting boundaries. Boundaries say, "this is my time, this is my space, etc." We can still consider the needs of others, their time and their space.

4. Being firm does not mean you become aggressive. "I'm sorry, but this is my seat" or "I am returning this because it doesn't do what it said it would." You stay firm in your resolution.

5. When you are assertive, you can pick your battles, standing firm for those that are important to you and letting go of those that are trivial. It also allows negotiation.

6. Be specific when asking for something. "I want.... I need.... at (specify the time and place if relevant.) Make it a statement as though you expect it to happen. You can ask with a smile, and say thank you and still be assertive.

7. Expression of emotions keeps them from escalating. Take ownership of your feelings. "I felt hurt when you said that." or "I get angry when I am not allowed to enter the conversation. Would you please give me an opportunity to speak?" Refrain from saying "you made me feel..." as that triggers defensiveness. And we are responsible for all our responses to all things.

Marlene Anderson MA, LMHC, NCC